Now, Accent, Elantra, Sonata, and Azera are hardly stories names. But they are at least names. Word out of Geneva today via Autoblog is that Hyundai will be phasing them all out in favor of alphanumeric names. All of which will start with “i.” Why “i”? Apparently because it stands for Inspiration, Intelligence, Integrity, and Innovation.

And, I suspect, because of Apple’s success with the letter.

But then “iPod” and “iMac” are still names. “i30”? I don’t know what it is. Personally, I think “i” in an alphanumeric stands for Idiocy.

Hyundai is just the latest in a long list of automakers to go alphanumeric. BMW and Mercedes have pretty much always been this way, and few Audis have had proper names in recent memory (“allroad” is an exception). When Toyota and Nissan introduced their luxury lines, they followed the German model and launched with alphanumerics. Acura then decided it had better do the same, tossing “Integra” and “Legend” in the process. Sorry, but RSX and RL haven’t quite filled their shoes. Cadillac started going alphanumeric in 2003, and Lincoln just this model year.

With the luxury segment pretty much conquered, the alphanumeric virus now seems intent on infecting mainstream brands. Pontiac made its second foray in this direction with the “first ever” (i.e. not a Grand Am) G6. The first, back in the 1980s, didn’t take. And now we have Hyundai.

Sorry, but alphanumerics just don’t work. Sure, they’ve worked for decades for the German lines, but even with those they’re losing steam. As I see it, alphanumerics can work when a marque offers a limited number of closely related models, perhaps as many as four or five. And so 3, 5, 7 and C, E, S, SL worked for a long time. When German sedans were essentially the same sausage cut to different lengths, it made sense to focus on the marque’s name and simply denote models with numbers. After all, when the pair of shoes comes in multiple sizes, only a number is used to distinguish these, not a unique name. “I’ll take a BMW, size 3.”

But what happens when you also have a CL, CLK, CLS, G, GL, ML, MLK, R, and SLK? Some of these are bound to get lost in the shuffle, as the average car buyer isn’t going to be able to keep such a large array of meaningless symbols straight. Companies often spend scads of cash researching potential names. Did they research car buyers’ ability to handle dozens of different (but similar) alphanumerics?

I’m personally already having a great deal of trouble with Lincoln’s scheme. Too often I catch myself calling the MKX the MKZ, and vice-versa. And the MKS, which sounds a lot like MKX, hasn’t even arrived yet. They’ve brought back the Taurus. Time to also bring back the Aviator, Continental, and Zephyr.

Renaming the RL the Legend also couldn’t hurt. Since the name was tossed sales have slumped.

Sure, sometimes companies feel they have to get rid of an old name because it was tarnished by a subpar product. But the fix for this is a better product, not a meaningless symbol.